Today I have made the tentative decision to create a diary of sorts using this blogging format. It worked well for me when I was traveling in Costa Rica and I actually had fun uploading. I will use this as a means to put some of my daily thoughts onto "paper". There is no specific end goal for me with this endeavor. I just wanted to create a space for myself to write down what my days thoughts have been. I suppose that after some time of doing this (if I can continue to find the motivation) I may possibly be able to better reflect on who I am and how I think. It's about growth in that sense. Without further explanations, I begin...
Friday, April 3rd:
It's currently 5pm.
Today I woke up around 11 but did not get out of bed until closer to 12. I spent the first hour of my day thinking about ways to be productive and checking Reddit to see if there was any news on the current state of affairs (Covid19 times you know?). There really wasn't anything noteworthy going on today. Just a new gripe about an incompetent person attempting to politic. It was about Jared Kushner and him being quoted as saying, "the federal reserves are meant for us, not you". This quote does not really surprise me or feel like something substantial. To me it's just another affirmation of the overall incompetence of the current POTUS and his chosen cabinet members. All idiots. All for one and none for all type attitude that drives people mad and yet somehow is the current default of leadership in the United States. I don't want to spend this time ranting about politics so I'm just going to move on from this topic.
After I finally got out of bed I headed upstairs to make myself some coffee. Paige and her father were both upstairs engaged in a conversation that I no longer remember. I have noticed that for the last week or so Bryan has been much more engaged in conversation with me than before. I think that this is because we are around each other more often. Quarantine. I enjoy the conversations that Bryan and I share. However, sometimes I feel inadequate or too uneducated to effectively engage in conversation with him. I like to consider myself a thinker, but if I'm a thinker then Bryan is philosopher. He's generally more informed on the specifics of whatever we are talking about which allows for him to draw more logical conclusions. I on the other hand have recently felt more emotionally charged in the conclusions that I draw which makes it quite challenging to practice humility. If I'm wrong about something factual that I for whatever reason hold an emotional attachment to, it's extremely difficult for me to cede. It's hard for me to accept the facts that challenge my beliefs.
After a cup of coffee I decided to take Jax on a walk to the dog park. I wanted to do this alone so as to allow myself some reflection time. Recently I've reengaged with a person that holds a piece of my heart. This has brought about some new thought patterns that challenge my current perception of reality. Am I doing what's best for me right now? Am I engaging in destructive behavior by communicating with this person who somehow pulls me further away from the one I'm with? Have I been living a lie this entire time or am I just lusting over a fantasy? Challenging questions for me to tackle and to be honest, I have no idea where or how to start. I suppose this "blog" is my first attempt.
There were a lot of people out when I was walking to the dog park. Seems like one of the only things that's helping people keep a grasp of some level of normalcy. Today I noticed that the birds are out in full force. Lots of songs that I haven't heard in quite sometime. It's quite peaceful. It helps me to forget about the toxicity of people and the, "state of the union", for lack of better words. While walking around the open field of the dog park I noticed on the other side of the fence where the quarry is there was a coyote sitting high on top of a pile of sand. It was just watching all of the dogs run around the field. I enjoyed the art of this scene. It gave me a new analogy.
Segregation is like being a coyote at a dog park.
You are of the same species and for the most part you even look the same as the other dogs running around and socializing. As much as this is true, so is true that you are feared, undesirable. You are different enough, labeled by society for far too long as aggressive, a nuisance, less intelligent, that you are no longer allowed to engage the same way as others. The worst part is that because of this long standing tradition of maltreatment towards your genome you subconsciously become what you've been labeled as. Coyotes are scavengers because they have to be, they don't have human caretakers. Coyotes are aggressive because they are far too often attacked on sight. Coyotes have been forced to roam and be nomadic because of human intervention (i.e infrastructure and logging). The point I'm trying to make is, if coyotes hadn't long ago been deemed a nuisance and weren't born with a bounty on their heads then maybe they could be seen through a different lense of perception. One that gives them higher social standing and prefers compromise to eradication. I'm off on a tangent here so I'm making the choice to just leave it. Maybe I'll come back to this thought another day.
Once I got home I put myself to reading. I'm currently reading a book called Incognito, The Secret Lives of the Brain by David Eagleman. It's a pretty fascinating book that calls attention to the different ways that our brains function. I find myself not able to read this book as I do non-fictions. I love a good page turner, but this book makes me put it down and reflect on what I've just read. If I don't put it down I end up just looking at the words as I turn the pages without actually registering any of the information. So it's taking me longer than I'm used to for reading a book, but it's thought provoking which is refreshing. The rest of my day will most likely consist of writing a poem (referencing my 'perception of reality' challenge) and hopefully some comatose in the form of video games with my brother. Or possibly a good movie.
That's it for today. I'm calling it. I've spent about an hour writing this and I'm beginning to feel drained so I'm going to nip it in the bud before I completely lose the motivation to keep this up. I'll write again tomorrow!
See you then,
From: current self
To: future self
p.s: That's called a Ulysses contract!
